thoughts

JuneJitterbug Exhaustion

June is basically a month-long celebration of birthdays, graduations, and other party-worthy events. I think there’s one week where we have a family birthday every single day. Elliah’s birthday is on the 15th, then just 15 days later we have my husband’s birthday, and in between that, we have Father’s Day.

Parties! People! Family! Cake! Every extroverts dream!

But for me? The month leaves me emotionally and mentally drained. I love family. I love my people. But I need time to recharge in order to function. How does one find alone time in family home of 6? One doesn’t.

This week alone I had graduation, we celebrated Grandpa’s birthday, Tia Grace’s birthday, Tia Martha’s birthday, Elliah’s birthday, and Father’s Day.

Which is why today is almost sacred to me. The girls are at daycare, my husband is at work, Caleb is at his dad’s, and Monika is sleeping and watching movies, which gives me the silence and solitude I so desperately need to recharge and be able to function like a normal human being.

Most people don’t get that.  It’s not the work that goes into throwing a party or the walking back and forth in heels keeping kids in line at graduation or teaching summer school after a hectic year that exhausts me. It’s the constant having to be present and talking and listening and being around other people that is utterly draining.

So today I rest and I relax and I sit still and in silence and recharge to deal with tomorrow. ❤

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Ohm.

Going on hour two of Rylan and Rayne  going back and forth bickering and crying and being overall annoying.  You eat first, no you eat first, stop looking at me, you moved the table a centimeter, wah, wahwah, wahwah.

I’m feeling a bit(lot) salty right now over a few things and have nothing nice to say and I kind of miss the days of just putting it all out here for people to read, but with age comes decorum and knowing when to shut ones mouth/restrain ones fingers.  But man, do I ever want to just word vomit all over the damn place right now.

Instead though, I’m taking half a day off tomorrow to shop and go catch a movie and take care of myself because I need to/deserve to/want to.  Peace out.

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Four and done.

The girls are growing up and I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and that light doesn’t include any more babies.

The girls are out of diapers.  They can get basic things like water and snacks for themselves.  They sleep (mostly) through the night and in their own room.  They can both tell me what they want/need verbally instead of crying (although meltdowns are the exception because words go out the window).  I don’t have to worry about carrying diapers/bottles/baby food/strollers around.  They can walk or sit in a shopping cart.  They can entertain themselves.  Monika is old enough to babysit and the girls are old enough to be babysat.

I’m enjoying my time with my kids. Most of the time I feel like I barely have enough time to pay enough attention to each one of them individually and adding one more baby into the mix would be chaotic and just not an option at this point.  I want to be able to spend time with each of my kids one-on-one and I can only spread myself so thin before being totally wiped out from existence.

My kids all have huge, ginormous, strong personalities. Which I am very, very thankful, I might add.  But it’s exhausting.  Dealing with four different personalities is tough. And they’re all so…expressive and vocal and in-your-face.  There is no tuning them out.  There is no “holdonasecletmecatchmythoughts” It’s always go-go-go.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way!  I’m loving watching each one of them develop their personalities and grow up.  Sometimes it kills me that time goes by so fast.  Especially when I think about Monika and how she’s almost 16, almost out of high school, and almost ready to drive.  She’s almost an adult. And Ellexa is starting school this year.  SCHOOL! It’s crazy, but oh so exciting!  I always thought once the girls got older I’d be itching to have another tiny baby at home, but no.  The baby fever is gone.

I’m looking forward to not having car seats in my truck and not having to buckle/unbuckle each seat every single time we go somewhere.  I’m ready for my truck to stop feeling so crowded because of clunky, oversized carseats.

I’m looking forward to be done paying for daycare.  I mean, that’ll likely last a few more years as after-school care is necessary since school schedules vary so much between grade levels, but either way, I’m ready for that money to be back in my pocket. (it will more than likely not be seeing as kids get progressively more expensive each year of life, but still)

I’m looking forward to being able to go to soccer games and basketball games and award ceremonies for the big kids and whatever activities the girls decide to pursue without having to calm a fussy baby/toddler.

I’m looking forward to watching my babies grow up and be able to really be present in the moment.  ❤

 

 

 

Breath.

Two ears.  One Brain.
Attention divided. Not enough.

Carve moments out of time.  It’s not enough.  It’s never enough.
Little slivers of suspended reveries between mountains and mountains of dense, responsibility laden thoughts.

One heart. A few pieces. All equal. All important. Several pieces. Not equal. Still important.

Check incessantly out of boredom. Scroll absentmindedly out of habit. Vow to stop because it’s pointless and the vapidness of it all is cringeworthy. Oxymoronic.

Worry for nothing. Worry for everything. Worry and do nothing. Try and fail. Again.

Patience was a virtue not many were blessed with and the ones who were got too much of it and now it makes them seem like they don’t care.  “Tiene sebo” es lo que dicen.

Say something a thousand times to be heard once. Say it a little louder next time. Why are you always yelling?

Always angry. Always frowning. Used to be always smiling. Not always happy, but always smiling. Even through the worries.

Time passes. Wrinkles settle. The soul matures. Why doesn’t it keep smiling, though?

Care too little. Care too much. Care enough to do something, but what?

Breathe.

 

 

 

Friday thoughts on a Wednesday

Why is that the people with the most annoying voices talk the loudest?

Why is it that the people with the most hateful thoughts have the most to say?

Why is it not Friday yet?!

We have a short week due to Charro Days so tomorrow we get to leave at 1 and then we’re off on Friday so I’m dreaming of not having to be up early, but I’ll have to keep dreaming because I need to take a trip to McAllen Friday morning which means I’ll have to wake up early anyway, but at least it won’t be to work, so there’s that.  So YAY! Friday!

Saturday is the Charro Days 5K which I have been looking forward to and training for for weeks now.  Super pumped about that!

I need to find a new goal/race/motivator to look forward to once this is over so I can keep up with my fitness achievements.

I emailed Caleb’s teachers this morning to see how he has been doing in class (we’ve hit a few road bumps lately) and got nothing but awesome comments back.  Super happy about that!

This week has been a good one.  I think part of it has to do with getting so much negativity out of my system and venting about stuff that had been bugging me for awhile.  I know I say that posting here and running are my therapy, but sometimes you just need to verbally let it all out and that release is so.damn.freeing.

So there.   Happy Wednesday, people!  I hope the rest of today flies by *fingers  crossed*

 

 

Morning sanity.

I say this all the time, but I think it bares worth repeating: working out is good for my body, great for my heart, and amazing for my mental health.

It took everything in me to get out of bed at 5:30 this morning.  I kept telling myself that I’d just run at night.  Then I gave I myself a good talking to and reminded myself that M has her first game back today (!!!) I have laundry to do, and also need to run to Walmart for essentials so it can’t be put off.  That got my butt up outta bed.

30 minutes and 3.2 miles later and here I sit, a sweaty puddle mess, but as happy as can be.

With as much as we’ve got going on lately and as much as is going on at school, I need those 30 minutes of silence and clarity in the morning.  With M back in soccer and Caleb playing in 2 leagues, my afternoons have returned to their possession.  This moves cleaning and other stuff to late late evenings/nights and weekends and there goes my sanity.

So yeah, early morning workouts it is.  Plus it’ll help me prepare for race day (next Saturday!!!) since that’ll be in the morning too.  So excited!!!

 

 

 

Don’t call this a resolution.

At the risk of jinxing myself, I’m going to go ahead and say that 2016 is off to a great start!

In true list-loving, typical blogger form, here are my lists for 2016.

Things I want to do

  • Make it a point to see my friends more often.  I know we’re all grown and super busy, but this is ridiculous.  I haven’t seen some of you in months and we live in the same city!
  • Run a half marathon.  My little heart wants this oh-so-much.
  • By that same token, exercise on a regular basis  Stick with my runs and do my squats.
  • Post on here on a regular basis.  I used to enjoy blogging so much and it was so therapeutic for me.  I need that back.
  • Stop coveting material things and enjoy what I have to the fullest.  I read quite a few interior design blogs and every time I click on a link to an item, it’s a bajillion zillion dollars and it makes me want to kick my sofa.  Instead, I want to revamp what I have and make it work for me.
  • Be nicer to the kids.  I’ve been stressed a little more than usual lately and it’s made me a very yelly-short tempered mother.
  • Take a trip to Disney.  No explanation needed.
  • Keep going to concerts.  See above.
  • Keep in touch with my extended family.  I saw/reconnected with a lot of my cousins at Monika’s quince and I want to keep that communication going.

Habits I want to keep

  • Really, truly planning lessons ahead.  Not just planning with a general idea or concept in mind, but planning down to the nitty gritty details. I started the school year doing this and then eased up a bit towards winter break and regretted it immediately.  I love structure and control.
  • Posting/documenting my Outfits of the Week.  Doing this kept me motivated to get creative with my wardrobe rather than resorting to the same old tired outfits, which in turn kept me from yelling “I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!!!” every other day.
  • Removing my makeup everysinglenight.  I know.  This is something I should’ve always been in the habit of doing, but let’s face it, I’m lazy.  However, I have been doing it more often and will do it every night because my skin ain’t young and lustrous anymore =(
  • Having breakfast daily.  It helps keep my energy levels up and my eating habits on track.
  • Keeping my caffeine consumption in check.  I remember I used to drink about 12 cups a day at my old job.  Now 2 is all I really need to get me going.

Habits I want to break:

  • Unhealthy Snacking.
  • Putting off working out because it’s cold/hot/I’m too tired/hormonal.
  • Having late dinners.  I always feel like crap right after and way into the next day.
  • Eating justhisonepieceofchocolate because I’m having a bad day.
  • This one’s going to be tough since it’s ingrained in my nature.

So there you have it.  I totally procrastinated, strung together list.  Here’s to a great year!

First #ootw of 2016. #whatIwore #ootd #teachinginstyle #teachersofinstagram

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