thirtysomethingramblings

Mustard.

I’ve been meaning to post about the beginning of the school year and how all that’s going and my training and my birthday and everything, but I’ve fallen down the Netflix rabbit hole and every spare moment I’ve had has been spent watching Dexter with Mona.

Ellexa is LOVING pre-k. She adjusted as well as I thought she would. She loves her teacher and she enjoys doing her homework (most of the time). She loves telling us all about the new things she learns and does each day.

Elliah is still adjusting. Every day is a battle of wills to get her to stay at daycare without crying. There’s nothing that she doesn’t like about it, she just got so used to having her big sister there with her.

Mona is doing as Mona always does: amazingly well.  That child never ceases to amaze me.  Noteworthy: Cotillion dress shopping has begun.  Bring on the hunt!

Caleb is doing great.  He has joined flag football and has his first game tomorrow. Basketball still is and will probably always be #1 in his heart, but I’m glad he’s branching out.

My gym membership has gotten little to no use.  I’ve managed to work in a few outdoor runs here and there and one single strength workout since school started, but that’s it. And let me tell you, I can feel the difference.  Not a fan of this lethargic, pudgy feeling I’ve got going on 24/7.

I haven’t even done my OOTD posts anymore because I hate the location of my mirror and need to figure something else out.  My hair needs a touch-up.  I’ve got lesson plans to work on.  I pulled something in my back and can barely move.  It’s gonna be a fun weekend.  This is 31!

 

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Introvert+Truth+Teamwork+Positivity+Downtime

This introvert needs some alone time.

I’m taking tomorrow off.  I feel sensory overload.  People, noise, my surroundings.  I need to get away from it all.

I need downtime.  Quiet.  Peace.  Even if it’s just for a few moments.  I need to be completely alone.

I know some people don’t get it.  I know some people think it’s selfish.  I know some think it’s an excuse for time off.  To the latter two types I say “eff you and your judgy bullshit.”

The older I get, the more I get to know myself and the clearer it becomes.  There are some things I absolutely need in order to function:  prayer, plenty of sleep, lots of water, exercise, organization, a planner, and downtime.  These things are crucial in order for me to not have a breakdown and bitch out everyone in sight.

I also need to work on my diet because PMS gets the best of me and I eat everything in sight knowing damn well that I’ll feel like shit a few minutes later and for days to come.  The more I pay attention to how food affects me, the more I realize that sugar makes me sick.  It makes me antsy and irritable and lethargic.  Red meat makes me feel bloated and gross. Bread and milk totally screw up my system.  And yet. I had ALL OF THAT today.  And while it was savory and I justified it with PMS, I’m already feeling sluggish and  it didn’t even help my mood at all.

I need to get back to running in the mornings.  Being up before everyone, the quiet, it made me feel at peace even if for a bit.  I need to eat better.  Because with as much as I’ve been busting my ass on the pavement, the scale keeps going up.  I need to stop cheating myself in order to see results.  I know all this, and still, it’s hard.

Because when students don’t listen and you answer the same question eleventy million times and the kids you want to help refuse it and the ones you thought were improving fall, it’s so easy to turn to a chocolate bar and say “I deserve this after the day I’ve had” but I don’t.  What I do deserve is a talk with a team that has my back and understands.  And a run to burn out the negativity.  And time with my kids who seem to be growing up in the blink of an eye.  And I have all that.  Now all I need is my me-time.  ❤

Self-counsciousness and Kick-assery

First ever two-a-day workout done.  I feel pretty damn good.  I’ll probably be dying tomorrow, but for now I feel invincible.

But you know, every time I post something on any social media platform, I feel judged.  I feel silly.  I feel like people will tire of reading posts about me boosting myself up.  It takes every ounce of confidence in me to post outfits or workouts or selfies or teaching successes.

And it sucks.  And it’s stupid.  Because honestly, you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to.  You can scroll right past my posts on Facebook or Instagram.  Hell, if it really bothers you that much, you can delete me all together.  And if you look just to find something to criticize, well then “hi, hater!” knock yourself out!

Because this is me.  And I’ve worked pretty damn hard to get myself to where I’m at now.  Back in my early 20s, I used to post for validation.  I used to have a debilitating need to feel liked and accepted and part of the crowd.  Now though?  I’d be lying of I said I didn’t struggle with it.  Sometimes I sit on a post for hours thinking about what people will say or think. But I always end up hitting “post” because those who matter, don’t mind.

I guess what I’m saying with all of this is that I feel stronger.  Sticking to a workout plan, staying true to my vision of myself, and sticking to my gut with what works for me as a teacher has all made me feel much muchier.  Shout out to all those of you who get the reference.  And for those of you who post all your success stories and tidbits, thank you for being an inspiration.  ❤

The end of a decade

Tonight I turn the page on a chapter of my life that had tumultuous start and an incredible finish.

My early twenties were crazy.  They were aggressively lived.  My mid-twenties were spent picking up the pieces from the three years past  My late twenties were for getting to know myself, accepting myself, and loving myself enough to let myself be swept off my feet.  They were for settling down and settling in.  For growing my family and making our home.  For letting go of outgrown friendships and toxic people and appreciating true friends instead.

My twenties were great.  I know my thirties will be better.

I’ve learned a few things.  I want to learn a few more.

I want to learn to listen more and talk less.  To think before I speak and be more considerate and compassionate of others. In my twenties, I felt it my right to scream my thoughts at the top of my lungs and say what came to mind completely unabashed and with no filter.  I believed it was my duty as a young woman to make sure my thoughts were expressed and I never held back.

I feel now that tact is something we are losing as a society.  It’s not about political correctness or giving in and being silenced.  It’s about tact.  About thinking of others while also thinking of myself because I am not in the business of hurting others.

I used to take pride in the fact that my words could slay. They could cut you down and make you feel like the smallest of the small. Unworthy. Useless. Guilty.

But as I grew up, I came to realize that that’s not necessarily a good thing.  Words should be used to build people up, not bring them down.  Words should be used to offer kindness and not spew hatred.  Our words are powerful.  They carry a force behind them that we sometimes can’t even begin to imagine.  I’m learning that I’d rather my words carry a positive aura and swallow a bit of anger than say something out of spite and leave a wound that could take forever to heal.  It’s a slowly learned lesson and one that’s come at great cost.

I want to spend more time doing things with my kids.  Things that they enjoy doing.  Playing basketball.  Going to the park.  Going to games.

I want to invest my money rather than spend it.  Invest in experiences and quality of life.  Take family trips.  Take couple trips.  Invest in my marriage. Invest in my kids and their interests.  Invest in myself.

I want to be a better version of myself.  If my twenties were about self-acceptance, my thirties will be for expanding on that and living a better life through self-improvement.

My thirties are going to rock and I cannot wait.