musings

JuneJitterbug Exhaustion

June is basically a month-long celebration of birthdays, graduations, and other party-worthy events. I think there’s one week where we have a family birthday every single day. Elliah’s birthday is on the 15th, then just 15 days later we have my husband’s birthday, and in between that, we have Father’s Day.

Parties! People! Family! Cake! Every extroverts dream!

But for me? The month leaves me emotionally and mentally drained. I love family. I love my people. But I need time to recharge in order to function. How does one find alone time in family home of 6? One doesn’t.

This week alone I had graduation, we celebrated Grandpa’s birthday, Tia Grace’s birthday, Tia Martha’s birthday, Elliah’s birthday, and Father’s Day.

Which is why today is almost sacred to me. The girls are at daycare, my husband is at work, Caleb is at his dad’s, and Monika is sleeping and watching movies, which gives me the silence and solitude I so desperately need to recharge and be able to function like a normal human being.

Most people don’t get that.  It’s not the work that goes into throwing a party or the walking back and forth in heels keeping kids in line at graduation or teaching summer school after a hectic year that exhausts me. It’s the constant having to be present and talking and listening and being around other people that is utterly draining.

So today I rest and I relax and I sit still and in silence and recharge to deal with tomorrow. ❤

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Breath.

Two ears.  One Brain.
Attention divided. Not enough.

Carve moments out of time.  It’s not enough.  It’s never enough.
Little slivers of suspended reveries between mountains and mountains of dense, responsibility laden thoughts.

One heart. A few pieces. All equal. All important. Several pieces. Not equal. Still important.

Check incessantly out of boredom. Scroll absentmindedly out of habit. Vow to stop because it’s pointless and the vapidness of it all is cringeworthy. Oxymoronic.

Worry for nothing. Worry for everything. Worry and do nothing. Try and fail. Again.

Patience was a virtue not many were blessed with and the ones who were got too much of it and now it makes them seem like they don’t care.  “Tiene sebo” es lo que dicen.

Say something a thousand times to be heard once. Say it a little louder next time. Why are you always yelling?

Always angry. Always frowning. Used to be always smiling. Not always happy, but always smiling. Even through the worries.

Time passes. Wrinkles settle. The soul matures. Why doesn’t it keep smiling, though?

Care too little. Care too much. Care enough to do something, but what?

Breathe.