life lessons

Four and done.

The girls are growing up and I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and that light doesn’t include any more babies.

The girls are out of diapers.  They can get basic things like water and snacks for themselves.  They sleep (mostly) through the night and in their own room.  They can both tell me what they want/need verbally instead of crying (although meltdowns are the exception because words go out the window).  I don’t have to worry about carrying diapers/bottles/baby food/strollers around.  They can walk or sit in a shopping cart.  They can entertain themselves.  Monika is old enough to babysit and the girls are old enough to be babysat.

I’m enjoying my time with my kids. Most of the time I feel like I barely have enough time to pay enough attention to each one of them individually and adding one more baby into the mix would be chaotic and just not an option at this point.  I want to be able to spend time with each of my kids one-on-one and I can only spread myself so thin before being totally wiped out from existence.

My kids all have huge, ginormous, strong personalities. Which I am very, very thankful, I might add.  But it’s exhausting.  Dealing with four different personalities is tough. And they’re all so…expressive and vocal and in-your-face.  There is no tuning them out.  There is no “holdonasecletmecatchmythoughts” It’s always go-go-go.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way!  I’m loving watching each one of them develop their personalities and grow up.  Sometimes it kills me that time goes by so fast.  Especially when I think about Monika and how she’s almost 16, almost out of high school, and almost ready to drive.  She’s almost an adult. And Ellexa is starting school this year.  SCHOOL! It’s crazy, but oh so exciting!  I always thought once the girls got older I’d be itching to have another tiny baby at home, but no.  The baby fever is gone.

I’m looking forward to not having car seats in my truck and not having to buckle/unbuckle each seat every single time we go somewhere.  I’m ready for my truck to stop feeling so crowded because of clunky, oversized carseats.

I’m looking forward to be done paying for daycare.  I mean, that’ll likely last a few more years as after-school care is necessary since school schedules vary so much between grade levels, but either way, I’m ready for that money to be back in my pocket. (it will more than likely not be seeing as kids get progressively more expensive each year of life, but still)

I’m looking forward to being able to go to soccer games and basketball games and award ceremonies for the big kids and whatever activities the girls decide to pursue without having to calm a fussy baby/toddler.

I’m looking forward to watching my babies grow up and be able to really be present in the moment.  ❤

 

 

 

Ornithophobia & a new pet

My fear of birds is pretty well known.  Just saying the word or typing it makes me shudder. The thought of feathers and beaks and beady little eyes is enough to give me anxiety, and no, that’s not an exaggeration.  I have no idea where it stems from, all I know is it started in my late teens.  I had never been attacked by a bird at that point so I can’t really tell you what my fear is, I just know I get sweaty palms and pretty much freeze in place if I can’t run away screaming like a mad woman if there’s a bird anywhere within 15 feet of me.  The flapping of the wings, the sound it creates…*shudder*

So as life would have it, a bird decided to nest riiiiiiiiiight on my front door awning.  I saw her building the nest a few weeks back and for some reason didn’t immediately ask my husband to move it.

Well, I left it and let it be.  The curious thing is that as soon as I drive up to my house, the bird flies out to the tree in my front yard.  It’s like it knows and it’s being polite.  I was scared that it might be there staring at me when I open the door to leave the house, but no, as soon I open the front door, it’s already flying out to the tree.  Then I figured it would surely stay put once the babes hatched and was scared it might attack me out of fear that I would get them (it’s happened to me once, I was out minding my own business when a fucking blackbird flew right at my head because its babies were nearby even though I had no idea), but no.  I hear the little birds chirping, I see the sticks in the nest moving, but the momma bird hasn’t been there to ungraciously greet me.

You would think that this little happening had taught me something, but you’d be wrong.  While I have developed a slight connection and a soft spot for this particular bird, I’m still convinced all other birds are evil and always secretly plotting to attack me.

So what happens now, though?  When do the little birds start to fly?  Will the mom ever build another nest?  Am I stuck with them? How do I keep the neighborhood strays from eating them? So many questions!!!  Help!

Self-counsciousness and Kick-assery

First ever two-a-day workout done.  I feel pretty damn good.  I’ll probably be dying tomorrow, but for now I feel invincible.

But you know, every time I post something on any social media platform, I feel judged.  I feel silly.  I feel like people will tire of reading posts about me boosting myself up.  It takes every ounce of confidence in me to post outfits or workouts or selfies or teaching successes.

And it sucks.  And it’s stupid.  Because honestly, you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to.  You can scroll right past my posts on Facebook or Instagram.  Hell, if it really bothers you that much, you can delete me all together.  And if you look just to find something to criticize, well then “hi, hater!” knock yourself out!

Because this is me.  And I’ve worked pretty damn hard to get myself to where I’m at now.  Back in my early 20s, I used to post for validation.  I used to have a debilitating need to feel liked and accepted and part of the crowd.  Now though?  I’d be lying of I said I didn’t struggle with it.  Sometimes I sit on a post for hours thinking about what people will say or think. But I always end up hitting “post” because those who matter, don’t mind.

I guess what I’m saying with all of this is that I feel stronger.  Sticking to a workout plan, staying true to my vision of myself, and sticking to my gut with what works for me as a teacher has all made me feel much muchier.  Shout out to all those of you who get the reference.  And for those of you who post all your success stories and tidbits, thank you for being an inspiration.  ❤

The end of a decade

Tonight I turn the page on a chapter of my life that had tumultuous start and an incredible finish.

My early twenties were crazy.  They were aggressively lived.  My mid-twenties were spent picking up the pieces from the three years past  My late twenties were for getting to know myself, accepting myself, and loving myself enough to let myself be swept off my feet.  They were for settling down and settling in.  For growing my family and making our home.  For letting go of outgrown friendships and toxic people and appreciating true friends instead.

My twenties were great.  I know my thirties will be better.

I’ve learned a few things.  I want to learn a few more.

I want to learn to listen more and talk less.  To think before I speak and be more considerate and compassionate of others. In my twenties, I felt it my right to scream my thoughts at the top of my lungs and say what came to mind completely unabashed and with no filter.  I believed it was my duty as a young woman to make sure my thoughts were expressed and I never held back.

I feel now that tact is something we are losing as a society.  It’s not about political correctness or giving in and being silenced.  It’s about tact.  About thinking of others while also thinking of myself because I am not in the business of hurting others.

I used to take pride in the fact that my words could slay. They could cut you down and make you feel like the smallest of the small. Unworthy. Useless. Guilty.

But as I grew up, I came to realize that that’s not necessarily a good thing.  Words should be used to build people up, not bring them down.  Words should be used to offer kindness and not spew hatred.  Our words are powerful.  They carry a force behind them that we sometimes can’t even begin to imagine.  I’m learning that I’d rather my words carry a positive aura and swallow a bit of anger than say something out of spite and leave a wound that could take forever to heal.  It’s a slowly learned lesson and one that’s come at great cost.

I want to spend more time doing things with my kids.  Things that they enjoy doing.  Playing basketball.  Going to the park.  Going to games.

I want to invest my money rather than spend it.  Invest in experiences and quality of life.  Take family trips.  Take couple trips.  Invest in my marriage. Invest in my kids and their interests.  Invest in myself.

I want to be a better version of myself.  If my twenties were about self-acceptance, my thirties will be for expanding on that and living a better life through self-improvement.

My thirties are going to rock and I cannot wait.