I started going to the gym at the beginning of July. Prior to that I mainly ran every other day, three miles or so. The scale wasn’t moving, my legs looked okay, but not as toned as I’d like them to. I started the 30 Day Shred which had given me awesome results before, but nothing this time. Now I go to the gym every week day and do cardio/HIIT for a warm-up and then weights. I’ve gained five pounds. What the duck?
It’s frustrating. My body has changed and I’ve toned up in some areas, but I haven’t slimmed down at all. I’ve gained weight. And I mean, yeah, it’s still pretty awesome because my legs used to be one of the things I was super self conscious about and now I live in shorts, but still. Frustrating. I feel like I eat less than I used to. I got tired of logging shit on myfitnesspal every time I ate so I don’t know for sure anymore. And I mean, I know I can cut down on the snacking and late eating, and once I go back to work that’ll hopefully be easier, but ohmygosh why can’t I just drop a few pounds???
Don’t get me wrong. I have some new found confidence. Hell, I even bought a crop top to wear with a high-waisted skirt the other day. I feel stronger. I look better. But my mid-section is killing my vibe, yo. Maybe I should give up dairy? I feel bloated all the damn time. It sucks. So the new realization is that my diet sucks. I swear I could eat nothing but salads all damn day and still feel sick and bloated afterwards. So what do I eat?! Ugh.
First ever two-a-day workout done. I feel pretty damn good. I’ll probably be dying tomorrow, but for now I feel invincible.
But you know, every time I post something on any social media platform, I feel judged. I feel silly. I feel like people will tire of reading posts about me boosting myself up. It takes every ounce of confidence in me to post outfits or workouts or selfies or teaching successes.
And it sucks. And it’s stupid. Because honestly, you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to. You can scroll right past my posts on Facebook or Instagram. Hell, if it really bothers you that much, you can delete me all together. And if you look just to find something to criticize, well then “hi, hater!” knock yourself out!
Because this is me. And I’ve worked pretty damn hard to get myself to where I’m at now. Back in my early 20s, I used to post for validation. I used to have a debilitating need to feel liked and accepted and part of the crowd. Now though? I’d be lying of I said I didn’t struggle with it. Sometimes I sit on a post for hours thinking about what people will say or think. But I always end up hitting “post” because those who matter, don’t mind.
I guess what I’m saying with all of this is that I feel stronger. Sticking to a workout plan, staying true to my vision of myself, and sticking to my gut with what works for me as a teacher has all made me feel much muchier. Shout out to all those of you who get the reference. And for those of you who post all your success stories and tidbits, thank you for being an inspiration. ❤
It’s done. I did it.
It seems ridiculous now that I used to think I’d never be able to.
But then, after we were done and the runner’s high had set in and we laughed and she congratulated me and said “we should do this all the time!” and I totally agreed, I realized I did. I WAS able. I AM.
Putting stress on my body and testing it and pushing it and not giving up, realizing I am strong. It feels so damn good. It’s empowering.
3.1 miles. Done. No headphones. No music. Ran along to the soundtrack in my head. Maybe it was meant to be that way. Maybe losing my headphones in the parking lot was supposed to happen.
And yet, “It was ONLY a 5K. Get over yourself. People run those all the time.” ~annoying little voice in my head~ Except this time, *this time* I’m shutting that shit down quick. Because I know that even though it’s the baby of all races, it’s a testament to my health. My strength. My lungs finally clearing and being strong enough after all those years of smoking. My 5 AM workouts. Hard work pays off, ladies and gentlemen. Who’da thunk, huh?
And so it was. I’ve yet to set foot on pavement or treadmill since then, but I’m giving my body a break. I’ll start again today, maybe tomorrow. Set a new goal, push myself, wash, rinse, repeat. I’m stoked.