One of these days, I’ll really buckle down and actually train for my races. Like, full on follow the schedule and eat right and not stress and have a cig or two the week before the big day. I’ll follow the plan all the way through the end and not stop training the last month like I always do. This would all be true if most half marathons were’t right in the middle of the fall semester. Life, you guys.
So last year I ran my half in a total of 3:20:55. That’s a 15:20 pace. Less than ideal. I had the best running buddy who cheered me on and wouldn’t let me quit even after a dude racing dressed as a friggin’ dinosaur passed us. This year, I’m running alone. I’m half scared that I’m going to let my brain talk me into quitting halfway through and half excited to see how far I can push myself.
I stopped training altogether about a month ago. I’ve tried to get a run in here and there since then, but haven’t been able to run anything farther than a 5k due to time constraints. I stopped doing leg day because I didn’t want to risk being sore these last few days. But I have a plan. I’m going to do run/walk splits at 8/2 intervals all the way through. I think I can manage that the whole 13 miles without burning out and still make better time than last year. We’ll see how it goes. The race has a live app that lets people follow your progress and cheer you on, so I’ll be posting a link with my info because I know I’ll need all the cheers I can get.
My head’s already fucking with me and I’m thinking “it’s okay if you don’t go. you already paid anyway, so it’s not like you’d be wasting the money because it’s already done. you don’t need to do this to yourself. you can just walk all the way. enjoy the race!” But then I’m also like “nah, I have a damn 13.1 sticker on my truck. I can’t not run this. I’d be a total fake. a poser. no frickin’ way. you are doing this.” So I’m doing it. Y’all pray I don’t die, please <3.
I started going to the gym at the beginning of July. Prior to that I mainly ran every other day, three miles or so. The scale wasn’t moving, my legs looked okay, but not as toned as I’d like them to. I started the 30 Day Shred which had given me awesome results before, but nothing this time. Now I go to the gym every week day and do cardio/HIIT for a warm-up and then weights. I’ve gained five pounds. What the duck?
It’s frustrating. My body has changed and I’ve toned up in some areas, but I haven’t slimmed down at all. I’ve gained weight. And I mean, yeah, it’s still pretty awesome because my legs used to be one of the things I was super self conscious about and now I live in shorts, but still. Frustrating. I feel like I eat less than I used to. I got tired of logging shit on myfitnesspal every time I ate so I don’t know for sure anymore. And I mean, I know I can cut down on the snacking and late eating, and once I go back to work that’ll hopefully be easier, but ohmygosh why can’t I just drop a few pounds???
Don’t get me wrong. I have some new found confidence. Hell, I even bought a crop top to wear with a high-waisted skirt the other day. I feel stronger. I look better. But my mid-section is killing my vibe, yo. Maybe I should give up dairy? I feel bloated all the damn time. It sucks. So the new realization is that my diet sucks. I swear I could eat nothing but salads all damn day and still feel sick and bloated afterwards. So what do I eat?! Ugh.
First ever two-a-day workout done. I feel pretty damn good. I’ll probably be dying tomorrow, but for now I feel invincible.
But you know, every time I post something on any social media platform, I feel judged. I feel silly. I feel like people will tire of reading posts about me boosting myself up. It takes every ounce of confidence in me to post outfits or workouts or selfies or teaching successes.
And it sucks. And it’s stupid. Because honestly, you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to. You can scroll right past my posts on Facebook or Instagram. Hell, if it really bothers you that much, you can delete me all together. And if you look just to find something to criticize, well then “hi, hater!” knock yourself out!
Because this is me. And I’ve worked pretty damn hard to get myself to where I’m at now. Back in my early 20s, I used to post for validation. I used to have a debilitating need to feel liked and accepted and part of the crowd. Now though? I’d be lying of I said I didn’t struggle with it. Sometimes I sit on a post for hours thinking about what people will say or think. But I always end up hitting “post” because those who matter, don’t mind.
I guess what I’m saying with all of this is that I feel stronger. Sticking to a workout plan, staying true to my vision of myself, and sticking to my gut with what works for me as a teacher has all made me feel much muchier. Shout out to all those of you who get the reference. And for those of you who post all your success stories and tidbits, thank you for being an inspiration. ❤
It seems ridiculous now that I used to think I’d never be able to.
But then, after we were done and the runner’s high had set in and we laughed and she congratulated me and said “we should do this all the time!” and I totally agreed, I realized I did. I WAS able. I AM.
Putting stress on my body and testing it and pushing it and not giving up, realizing I am strong. It feels so damn good. It’s empowering.
3.1 miles. Done. No headphones. No music. Ran along to the soundtrack in my head. Maybe it was meant to be that way. Maybe losing my headphones in the parking lot was supposed to happen.
And yet, “It was ONLY a 5K. Get over yourself. People run those all the time.” ~annoying little voice in my head~ Except this time, *this time* I’m shutting that shit down quick. Because I know that even though it’s the baby of all races, it’s a testament to my health. My strength. My lungs finally clearing and being strong enough after all those years of smoking. My 5 AM workouts. Hard work pays off, ladies and gentlemen. Who’da thunk, huh?
And so it was. I’ve yet to set foot on pavement or treadmill since then, but I’m giving my body a break. I’ll start again today, maybe tomorrow. Set a new goal, push myself, wash, rinse, repeat. I’m stoked.