feelings

JuneJitterbug Exhaustion

June is basically a month-long celebration of birthdays, graduations, and other party-worthy events. I think there’s one week where we have a family birthday every single day. Elliah’s birthday is on the 15th, then just 15 days later we have my husband’s birthday, and in between that, we have Father’s Day.

Parties! People! Family! Cake! Every extroverts dream!

But for me? The month leaves me emotionally and mentally drained. I love family. I love my people. But I need time to recharge in order to function. How does one find alone time in family home of 6? One doesn’t.

This week alone I had graduation, we celebrated Grandpa’s birthday, Tia Grace’s birthday, Tia Martha’s birthday, Elliah’s birthday, and Father’s Day.

Which is why today is almost sacred to me. The girls are at daycare, my husband is at work, Caleb is at his dad’s, and Monika is sleeping and watching movies, which gives me the silence and solitude I so desperately need to recharge and be able to function like a normal human being.

Most people don’t get that.  It’s not the work that goes into throwing a party or the walking back and forth in heels keeping kids in line at graduation or teaching summer school after a hectic year that exhausts me. It’s the constant having to be present and talking and listening and being around other people that is utterly draining.

So today I rest and I relax and I sit still and in silence and recharge to deal with tomorrow. ❤

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Sometimes

Sometimes, you just want to say “fuck decorum” and just put it all out there because it’s therapeutic.  Because blasting people that need to be blasted eases my mind and soothes my soul.

But doing so would be in poor taste and would cause more harm than good and in the end would do nothing more than make me feel better for a few minutes and then I’d go back to being miserable because venting about something helps, but it doesn’t make the problem go away.

So thank goodness for sisterly bonds and LDRs and people who get it and don’t judge.  All my love to you, babe.

Sometimes, you just need to focus on the good like grad school applications and having completed my education and being thankful that I have a career AND a great ass & I’m not stuck at some dead-end job with no diploma.

Sometimes, you just have to channel your frustrations and let them be your motivation to do better, try harder, go stronger.  You have to take that next step that will get you where you want to be.  Be it running a half marathon or finally getting a master’s degree or simply learning to let go of old demons.

Sometimes, you just need to remember to breathe.

 

Ohm.

Going on hour two of Rylan and Rayne  going back and forth bickering and crying and being overall annoying.  You eat first, no you eat first, stop looking at me, you moved the table a centimeter, wah, wahwah, wahwah.

I’m feeling a bit(lot) salty right now over a few things and have nothing nice to say and I kind of miss the days of just putting it all out here for people to read, but with age comes decorum and knowing when to shut ones mouth/restrain ones fingers.  But man, do I ever want to just word vomit all over the damn place right now.

Instead though, I’m taking half a day off tomorrow to shop and go catch a movie and take care of myself because I need to/deserve to/want to.  Peace out.

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Dreams. Fridays. Outfits.

When a dream shatters, it’s heartbreaking.  No matter how hard you try to put the pieces back together, there will always be a piece of the original missing.  The vision you had will never be the same.  It’s been broken, shards missing, integral parts gone.  The rebuilding process is tough.  It makes you angry and resentful.  It hurts.  It’s painful.  But it’s worth it.  Because a dream *can* be rebuilt and although it may not be the same as it once was, the heart of it remains the same and that’s what matters.  As long as the heart is in the dream, that’s all that really matters.

In semi-related news, my last two Fridays have followed the same pattern and have royally sucked.  They start out amazing.  Good mood, good hair, good makeup, and then something goes craptastically wrong and it all just goes south.  Maybe I should just not work on Fridays…lucky for me, I’m off the next one thanks to Charro Days.  Hopefully that’ll break the spell.

I realized I’m behind on my OOTWs and I have somehow also managed to have missed a day in the last two weeks, but that’s okay because I pretty much love every single outfit in these pictures and I think it shows.

Have a fabulous Friday, y’all!

Introvert+Truth+Teamwork+Positivity+Downtime

This introvert needs some alone time.

I’m taking tomorrow off.  I feel sensory overload.  People, noise, my surroundings.  I need to get away from it all.

I need downtime.  Quiet.  Peace.  Even if it’s just for a few moments.  I need to be completely alone.

I know some people don’t get it.  I know some people think it’s selfish.  I know some think it’s an excuse for time off.  To the latter two types I say “eff you and your judgy bullshit.”

The older I get, the more I get to know myself and the clearer it becomes.  There are some things I absolutely need in order to function:  prayer, plenty of sleep, lots of water, exercise, organization, a planner, and downtime.  These things are crucial in order for me to not have a breakdown and bitch out everyone in sight.

I also need to work on my diet because PMS gets the best of me and I eat everything in sight knowing damn well that I’ll feel like shit a few minutes later and for days to come.  The more I pay attention to how food affects me, the more I realize that sugar makes me sick.  It makes me antsy and irritable and lethargic.  Red meat makes me feel bloated and gross. Bread and milk totally screw up my system.  And yet. I had ALL OF THAT today.  And while it was savory and I justified it with PMS, I’m already feeling sluggish and  it didn’t even help my mood at all.

I need to get back to running in the mornings.  Being up before everyone, the quiet, it made me feel at peace even if for a bit.  I need to eat better.  Because with as much as I’ve been busting my ass on the pavement, the scale keeps going up.  I need to stop cheating myself in order to see results.  I know all this, and still, it’s hard.

Because when students don’t listen and you answer the same question eleventy million times and the kids you want to help refuse it and the ones you thought were improving fall, it’s so easy to turn to a chocolate bar and say “I deserve this after the day I’ve had” but I don’t.  What I do deserve is a talk with a team that has my back and understands.  And a run to burn out the negativity.  And time with my kids who seem to be growing up in the blink of an eye.  And I have all that.  Now all I need is my me-time.  ❤

Too emotional to think of a title

Oftentimes, when the girls are being extra whiney and extra needy, I tell myself “It’s okay, they won’t be babies forever, the crying and tantrums won’t last forever,” and then minutes later, when the tantrums and crying have stopped, I get sad. They won’t be babies forever.

I have become so accustomed to life with babies. For the past two and a half years we’ve had a baby around. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be able to just walk out of the house without lugging around a half ton diaper bag that holds all but that one forgotten item that you will inevitably need. Without having to change diapers to avoid accidents mid-trip. Without having to spend five minutes strapping kids into car seats.

It often feels like this will be our life for the rest of time.

And then Elliah starts trying to walk and Ellexa starts having even longer conversations and it hits again. They won’t be babies forever.

After I had Caleb, the thought of another kid was unfathomable. Obviously a few years and a love so strong it broke everything I ever knew changed that. After Ellexa, we knew we would have another baby. But now, after having Elliah the certainty of another child is everything but certain.

There’s something extremely gut wrenching about that. Every snuggle and every babble and every toothless smile pulls at my heart strings because this very well may be my last baby. I try to absorb every second and mentally record every moment. I see Ellexa growing up and playing with Monika and Caleb and I know it’s just a matter of time before she’s a teenager herself and Elliah is a tween and I won’t have any babies to carry and snuggle and watch sleep and it makes a knot in my throat that almost chokes me and it’s hard not to want them to stay babies forever.

I know (hope) this feeling goes away as the girls grow up because I already know the amazingness that is watching your kids grow up. I know the reward of watching every first and feeling so proud that you took a big part in forming such a wonderful child, but for now I can’t help but want my babies to be babies for a few more years.