On the end of summer and not hyping up firsts

I do this thing with birthdays where in my mind, it has to be the birthday person’s most special day everrrrrr.  In concept, that sounds great.  But making that happen? Totally impossible.  You can’t make every.single.birthday the most wonderful day ever. The pressure is crazy.

Unfortunately, I do the same for firsts. I get all excited and happy and expectant and I end up psyching myself out to the point where I just don’t want to do whatever it was I was looking forward to.

So this year, instead of focusing on Monday being THE FIRST DAY BACK TO SCHOOL! I’m tricking myself into thinking that it’s just the second week back and it’s just another day. Yes, there will now be students and yes, I will now be teaching, but it’s just another day.

Except Monday is also Ellexa’s first day of “big girl school” (she attended pre-school at the same learning center she went to daycare).  It’s her FIRST! DAY! OF SCHOOL! So I’m psyching myself out about that.  Especially because our mornings are already so hectic and adding another school to the mix will definitely be testing our time constraints.  I can’t not go to my child’s first day of school and walk her into her classroom and stay for a bit.  I just can’t! So I’m praying it all works out and goes smoothly and she doesn’t cry and Elliah doesn’t have a meltdown at pre-school and I’m not epically late to work.

And oh my gosh, did I mention Caleb started 7th grade this year? He shot up and slimmed down and is all grown up.

And Monika.  She’s a junior.  A JUNIOR.  What the hell, man???

I’m gonna go make me a tea and cry in a corner.  Forget firsts! Bah.


Four and done.

The girls are growing up and I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and that light doesn’t include any more babies.

The girls are out of diapers.  They can get basic things like water and snacks for themselves.  They sleep (mostly) through the night and in their own room.  They can both tell me what they want/need verbally instead of crying (although meltdowns are the exception because words go out the window).  I don’t have to worry about carrying diapers/bottles/baby food/strollers around.  They can walk or sit in a shopping cart.  They can entertain themselves.  Monika is old enough to babysit and the girls are old enough to be babysat.

I’m enjoying my time with my kids. Most of the time I feel like I barely have enough time to pay enough attention to each one of them individually and adding one more baby into the mix would be chaotic and just not an option at this point.  I want to be able to spend time with each of my kids one-on-one and I can only spread myself so thin before being totally wiped out from existence.

My kids all have huge, ginormous, strong personalities. Which I am very, very thankful, I might add.  But it’s exhausting.  Dealing with four different personalities is tough. And they’re all so…expressive and vocal and in-your-face.  There is no tuning them out.  There is no “holdonasecletmecatchmythoughts” It’s always go-go-go.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way!  I’m loving watching each one of them develop their personalities and grow up.  Sometimes it kills me that time goes by so fast.  Especially when I think about Monika and how she’s almost 16, almost out of high school, and almost ready to drive.  She’s almost an adult. And Ellexa is starting school this year.  SCHOOL! It’s crazy, but oh so exciting!  I always thought once the girls got older I’d be itching to have another tiny baby at home, but no.  The baby fever is gone.

I’m looking forward to not having car seats in my truck and not having to buckle/unbuckle each seat every single time we go somewhere.  I’m ready for my truck to stop feeling so crowded because of clunky, oversized carseats.

I’m looking forward to be done paying for daycare.  I mean, that’ll likely last a few more years as after-school care is necessary since school schedules vary so much between grade levels, but either way, I’m ready for that money to be back in my pocket. (it will more than likely not be seeing as kids get progressively more expensive each year of life, but still)

I’m looking forward to being able to go to soccer games and basketball games and award ceremonies for the big kids and whatever activities the girls decide to pursue without having to calm a fussy baby/toddler.

I’m looking forward to watching my babies grow up and be able to really be present in the moment.  ❤




Solve the equation

Mona has a game at 7 on the north side of town and needs to be there at 6:30.
Kbob has a game at 7 on the south side of town and needs to be there at 6:50.
Two toddlers need to picked up by 5 in order for the previous two events to happen on time.
Grocery shopping needs to be done.
Items for birthday party on Saturday need to be procured.
Solve for X.

Got it?  Me neither.  But somehow, it got done.

Hell, it even went *well.* Things ran smoothly. Kids got to where they needed to be on time. The girls behaved during the game.

And then.

Screaming, crying, fighting. But it’s done.  All kids are in their own beds going to sleep. That in itself is a victory.  It’s the little things.

To say things are crazy right now would be the biggest understatement of the year.  There’s the quinceañera details to be finalized and photo shoots to be scheduled.  There’s Father’s Day and graduations and the million birthdays in June.  There’s summer school for me and daily practices for the kids at two different schools at the same damn times.  There’s daily games.  There’s teenage mood swings and tween hormones and toddler tantrums and and and and and.


But we’re okay.  We’re living.  Not alive and surviving and just existing. And that’s the beauty of it.

And you know what else?  My crazy ass will look at pictures of the kids as teeny tiny babies and still manage to get the biggest case of baby fever.  I don’t get it.  I really, truly don’t.

Too emotional to think of a title

Oftentimes, when the girls are being extra whiney and extra needy, I tell myself “It’s okay, they won’t be babies forever, the crying and tantrums won’t last forever,” and then minutes later, when the tantrums and crying have stopped, I get sad. They won’t be babies forever.

I have become so accustomed to life with babies. For the past two and a half years we’ve had a baby around. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be able to just walk out of the house without lugging around a half ton diaper bag that holds all but that one forgotten item that you will inevitably need. Without having to change diapers to avoid accidents mid-trip. Without having to spend five minutes strapping kids into car seats.

It often feels like this will be our life for the rest of time.

And then Elliah starts trying to walk and Ellexa starts having even longer conversations and it hits again. They won’t be babies forever.

After I had Caleb, the thought of another kid was unfathomable. Obviously a few years and a love so strong it broke everything I ever knew changed that. After Ellexa, we knew we would have another baby. But now, after having Elliah the certainty of another child is everything but certain.

There’s something extremely gut wrenching about that. Every snuggle and every babble and every toothless smile pulls at my heart strings because this very well may be my last baby. I try to absorb every second and mentally record every moment. I see Ellexa growing up and playing with Monika and Caleb and I know it’s just a matter of time before she’s a teenager herself and Elliah is a tween and I won’t have any babies to carry and snuggle and watch sleep and it makes a knot in my throat that almost chokes me and it’s hard not to want them to stay babies forever.

I know (hope) this feeling goes away as the girls grow up because I already know the amazingness that is watching your kids grow up. I know the reward of watching every first and feeling so proud that you took a big part in forming such a wonderful child, but for now I can’t help but want my babies to be babies for a few more years.