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La Tortura (pre-race)

One of these days, I’ll really buckle down and actually train for my races. Like, full on follow the schedule and eat right and not stress and have a cig or two the week before the big day. I’ll follow the plan all the way through the end and not stop training the last month like I always do. This would all be true if most half marathons were’t right in the middle of the fall semester.  Life, you guys.

So last year I ran my half in a total of 3:20:55. That’s a 15:20 pace. Less than ideal. I had the best running buddy who cheered me on and wouldn’t let me quit even after a dude racing dressed as a friggin’ dinosaur passed us. This year, I’m running alone. I’m half scared that I’m going to let my brain talk me into quitting halfway through and half excited to see how far I can push myself.

I stopped training altogether about a month ago. I’ve tried to get a run in here and there since then, but haven’t been able to run anything farther than a 5k due to time constraints. I stopped doing leg day because I didn’t want to risk being sore these last few days. But I have a plan. I’m going to do run/walk splits at 8/2 intervals all the way through. I think I can manage that the whole 13 miles without burning out and still make better time than last year. We’ll see how it goes. The race has a live app that lets people follow your progress and cheer you on, so I’ll be posting a link with my info because I know I’ll need all the cheers I can get.

My head’s already fucking with me and I’m thinking “it’s okay if you don’t go. you already paid anyway, so it’s not like you’d be wasting the money because it’s already done. you don’t need to do this to yourself. you can just walk all the way. enjoy the race!” But then I’m also like “nah, I have a damn 13.1 sticker on my truck. I can’t not run this. I’d be a total fake. a poser. no frickin’ way. you are doing this.” So I’m doing it. Y’all pray I don’t die, please <3.

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Teeter tottering (or too much damns to give)

I am currently (as I have been “currently” for what seems like the past 6 months) teetering between “utterly enraged” and “fuck it all, I don’t care anymore”

I feel like I have this need, this duty, to speak out against all that is unfair and not right and just…just plain not fair. I have been in a constant state of anger since like, March of this year.

Shit pops up. People are appalled. They feel entitled to this or entitled to that, and it’s like, no, broski, slow your fucking roll.  If I have to (insert stupid compromise here), then you have to do the same.  Todos coludos o todos rabones.

But noooooo. So then it’s like, well shit, if they’re speaking out and standing up for their cause, I need to do the same because shit.needs.to.be.fair. y’all.

But then I’m like, fuck this. I don’t have time for this drama. Higher powers will do what they decide to be best anyway, so why does it matter if we scream, pout, and stomp write strongly, but politely, worded emails. But then at the same time I keep thinking “the squeaky wheel gets the oil” but I HATE being a squeaky wheel and I know that some people have plenty of time to just squeak squeak squeekety squeak.

So now here I sit writing a damn blog post rather than an email because I just don’t even know where to begin other than “Look, this wouldn’t be fair and I feel quite appalled, really, that someone would have the audacity to (insert selfish asshole behavior here)…” and that just doesn’t seem like a productive thing to do.

And what’s even worse is that I know someone will read and think “oh she’s talking about X thing going on” while another will read and think “oh she’s talking about Z thing going on” and really, I’m talking about all the things going on because that’s just how life is rolling right now.

So here I am angrily clacking away at my keyboard while I could be drafting emails or better yet, not giving a damn. Not caring is really hard, guys. Damn.

 

This entire post could’ve been a series of tweets.

Often I’ll think to myself “Self, you need more local friends.” But then I remember I also don’t really like people or socializing too much and then I’m okay again until the next big boxing fight or MMA match comes around at which point I have this whole conversation with myself again.

I turned 32 this month and had an epiphany yesterday. Well, not really an epiphany as much as a “you’ve been asking yourself this same question for over ten years already, woman. Just pay attention to yourself already.” And I am. And it’s going to be tough, but it’s going to be worth it because self-care and sanity are so.fucking.important.

Grad school is going well. It’s been weird. An adjustment for sure after having been out for five years, but I don’t think I’ve felt the full brunt of it yet. I’m sure I’ll be back here complaining about it in a month or two.

Running fucking blows. It’s also fucking amazing. It just depends on the day.

I injured myself sneezing the week after I turned 32. I still can’t mention that without laughing at myself like an idiot because wtf. Who does that? I do, apparently. At one point, it hurt so much I thought I had fractured a rib. But now I’m feeling better and I think it may have just been a pulled muscle. Either way, I can’t lie on my side or run for more than a minute without wincing in pain, and sometimes I have to stand and support my side while I’m teaching to prevent myself from screaming and scaring my students (again). But I think I’ll be ok.

Work has been laughably absurd and busy and hectic and just wtf-y. Something about knowing that my students will not be my students for the entire school year has kept me from fully bonding with any of them. I feel a degree of detachment. I care about every single one of them & I’m invested in their success, but it’s not the same as it has been previous years.

On that same note, the inner push to become a part of the change finally took fully over and I was thankfully voted in as a representative at our school’s SBDM committee. The committee’s purpose is to set procedures and activities that positively affect student performance. I’m excited about this.

I feel like I’m 32 and still trying to find my true self. My sense of who I am and what I like and don’t like. What I will tolerate and absolutely not stand. How to stand up for the things I believe in and be completely and utterly done with the things I don’t. How to be nice to myself and live my hapinness in spite of how that makes others feel. How to live for myself and not for others. To  love my kids and make sure they feel loved and safe and secure and confident while not turning them into entitled brats. To be ok with putting myself first and not feel guilty about it. To do things for me and not feel guilty about not wanting to share. Being a woman can be tough. Being a mother is tougher. Being a teacher is hard. Being a good mother/wife/daughter/granddaughter/teacher/employee/student is so painstakingly, exhaustingly, exasperatingly *hard*. But it’s worth it. I truly believe that. I’m just going to do everything on my terms.

 

JuneJitterbug Exhaustion

June is basically a month-long celebration of birthdays, graduations, and other party-worthy events. I think there’s one week where we have a family birthday every single day. Elliah’s birthday is on the 15th, then just 15 days later we have my husband’s birthday, and in between that, we have Father’s Day.

Parties! People! Family! Cake! Every extroverts dream!

But for me? The month leaves me emotionally and mentally drained. I love family. I love my people. But I need time to recharge in order to function. How does one find alone time in family home of 6? One doesn’t.

This week alone I had graduation, we celebrated Grandpa’s birthday, Tia Grace’s birthday, Tia Martha’s birthday, Elliah’s birthday, and Father’s Day.

Which is why today is almost sacred to me. The girls are at daycare, my husband is at work, Caleb is at his dad’s, and Monika is sleeping and watching movies, which gives me the silence and solitude I so desperately need to recharge and be able to function like a normal human being.

Most people don’t get that.  It’s not the work that goes into throwing a party or the walking back and forth in heels keeping kids in line at graduation or teaching summer school after a hectic year that exhausts me. It’s the constant having to be present and talking and listening and being around other people that is utterly draining.

So today I rest and I relax and I sit still and in silence and recharge to deal with tomorrow. ❤

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December, Untitled.

Man. October? I guess I didn’t keep up with this thing after all.

The year is almost over and honestly, thank goodness for that. I’m ready to put it behind us and start fresh. A friend recently told me that 2016 was reportedly going to be bad all around, and I can say that’s pretty accurate.

I won’t recap everything because a lot happened since I last posted, but here’s a few tidbits.

Caleb turned 13. I now have two teenagers in my house.  What the?!

We lost an epic woman. A woman with a beautiful soul, a contagious smile, an infectious laughter, and an incredible energy. My babies are blessed to be a part of her legacy and Elliah’s hair, smile, and laughter will forever remind me of her. img_8505

It’s sad that it sometimes takes occasions like this one to reunite family members, but I’m thankful that we got to spend so much time with our El Paso family. The kids had a blast playing with their cousins and I love seeing my husband spend time with his brothers. Distance sucks, but it makes times like this weekend that much more memorable.

We miss them already and are looking forward to our trip up there in a few weeks!

On summer snacking

I’m currently sitting on my couch eating chips and pecans out of a bowl that I’ve hidden under my throw blanket so the girls don’t see it because they will inevitably wipe me out of said snacks within the minute.  Horrible, selfish, justified.

You know how they say that teenage athletes will eat though your pantry and fridge in minutes? Well, my toddlers will too.  Growth spurts, gotta love them.  Except my kids are currently obsessed with waffles and marshmallow cereal.  I can make the most delicious spaghetti (their favorite food) and lately they’ll pass it up for some good old fashioned cereal.  I’ve been giving in because usually, they eat pretty healthy.  Also, because it’s summer and rules don’t count in summer.  Especially when we all go back to reality in less than a month. *insert crying emoji here*

I wish I had Oreo cookies at home.

I’ve had some pretty awesome thoughts about some things I want to implement next year year, but have refused to think too much about them so they’ve just been jotted down.  I refuse to acknowledge that this is almost over.  I know I need to start waking up earlier so it won’t be a total shock on my body, but I’ll get to that eventually.  I also need to find some cute, comfortable, affordable heels to teach in, so that’s on the list.

Ah, lists.  I have so enjoyed living without them (not really, but I have enjoyed not needing to follow them to a T).

Anyway, back to eating my feelings snacking and avoiding what’s right around the corner. Enjoy your summer, people!