This entire post could’ve been a series of tweets.

Often I’ll think to myself “Self, you need more local friends.” But then I remember I also don’t really like people or socializing too much and then I’m okay again until the next big boxing fight or MMA match comes around at which point I have this whole conversation with myself again.

I turned 32 this month and had an epiphany yesterday. Well, not really an epiphany as much as a “you’ve been asking yourself this same question for over ten years already, woman. Just pay attention to yourself already.” And I am. And it’s going to be tough, but it’s going to be worth it because self-care and sanity are so.fucking.important.

Grad school is going well. It’s been weird. An adjustment for sure after having been out for five years, but I don’t think I’ve felt the full brunt of it yet. I’m sure I’ll be back here complaining about it in a month or two.

Running fucking blows. It’s also fucking amazing. It just depends on the day.

I injured myself sneezing the week after I turned 32. I still can’t mention that without laughing at myself like an idiot because wtf. Who does that? I do, apparently. At one point, it hurt so much I thought I had fractured a rib. But now I’m feeling better and I think it may have just been a pulled muscle. Either way, I can’t lie on my side or run for more than a minute without wincing in pain, and sometimes I have to stand and support my side while I’m teaching to prevent myself from screaming and scaring my students (again). But I think I’ll be ok.

Work has been laughably absurd and busy and hectic and just wtf-y. Something about knowing that my students will not be my students for the entire school year has kept me from fully bonding with any of them. I feel a degree of detachment. I care about every single one of them & I’m invested in their success, but it’s not the same as it has been previous years.

On that same note, the inner push to become a part of the change finally took fully over and I was thankfully voted in as a representative at our school’s SBDM committee. The committee’s purpose is to set procedures and activities that positively affect student performance. I’m excited about this.

I feel like I’m 32 and still trying to find my true self. My sense of who I am and what I like and don’t like. What I will tolerate and absolutely not stand. How to stand up for the things I believe in and be completely and utterly done with the things I don’t. How to be nice to myself and live my hapinness in spite of how that makes others feel. How to live for myself and not for others. To  love my kids and make sure they feel loved and safe and secure and confident while not turning them into entitled brats. To be ok with putting myself first and not feel guilty about it. To do things for me and not feel guilty about not wanting to share. Being a woman can be tough. Being a mother is tougher. Being a teacher is hard. Being a good mother/wife/daughter/granddaughter/teacher/employee/student is so painstakingly, exhaustingly, exasperatingly *hard*. But it’s worth it. I truly believe that. I’m just going to do everything on my terms.

 

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