Too emotional to think of a title

Oftentimes, when the girls are being extra whiney and extra needy, I tell myself “It’s okay, they won’t be babies forever, the crying and tantrums won’t last forever,” and then minutes later, when the tantrums and crying have stopped, I get sad. They won’t be babies forever.

I have become so accustomed to life with babies. For the past two and a half years we’ve had a baby around. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be able to just walk out of the house without lugging around a half ton diaper bag that holds all but that one forgotten item that you will inevitably need. Without having to change diapers to avoid accidents mid-trip. Without having to spend five minutes strapping kids into car seats.

It often feels like this will be our life for the rest of time.

And then Elliah starts trying to walk and Ellexa starts having even longer conversations and it hits again. They won’t be babies forever.

After I had Caleb, the thought of another kid was unfathomable. Obviously a few years and a love so strong it broke everything I ever knew changed that. After Ellexa, we knew we would have another baby. But now, after having Elliah the certainty of another child is everything but certain.

There’s something extremely gut wrenching about that. Every snuggle and every babble and every toothless smile pulls at my heart strings because this very well may be my last baby. I try to absorb every second and mentally record every moment. I see Ellexa growing up and playing with Monika and Caleb and I know it’s just a matter of time before she’s a teenager herself and Elliah is a tween and I won’t have any babies to carry and snuggle and watch sleep and it makes a knot in my throat that almost chokes me and it’s hard not to want them to stay babies forever.

I know (hope) this feeling goes away as the girls grow up because I already know the amazingness that is watching your kids grow up. I know the reward of watching every first and feeling so proud that you took a big part in forming such a wonderful child, but for now I can’t help but want my babies to be babies for a few more years.


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