Round and round we go


How fitting. 

I don’t think anyone can be who I want to be. Do I even know *who* that is?  I’m decidedly not crafty.  I will never “love” cooking.  Baking from a box is a-ok in my book.  Scrapbooking makes my head hurt.  Change annoys me, but I can’t stand things being the same for too long.

When I was little I decided that I was going to be that girl living in a high-rise making tons of money bossing people around.  Then I wanted to be a teacher for a while.  I was adamant about never getting married.  Kids were definitely a no-no.

And yet…a house, a dog, three kids+1 on the way, and the epitome of a good husband later and I’m as happy as can be.  But, I’m still trying to “find mysel,f” whatever the hell that means.

Sometimes I think I actually have it figured out.  But again, that moment’s fleeting.  I don’t know what I want for dinner, can’t decide on a hair color, and my makeup routine is ever-changing in my head only to produce the same results, but yet somehow, I want to know who it is that I want to be.

The thing is, who I want to be can’t be described in terms of nouns.  I mean, sure, I think I want to be a teacher.  I’m already a mom and a wife.  But I’m also me.  A 27 year old who can’t stay up too late, hates to be the one to pick anything, and is constantly fighting a battle between staying trendy and relevant or keeping it classic. 

I want to be happy.  Not just content.  I mean, truly, ear-splitting-grin kind of happy.  I want to not worry so much about things I cannot control.  I want to trust my kids to make their own decisions and raise them to be confident, determined adults.  I want to make time for spontaneity.  I want to start practicing yoga.  I want to find at least one dessert that I totally kick ass at making.  I want to stop procrastinating.  I want to be happy in my skin.  Not just comfortable, but confident and happy and fierce.  Yes, I said fierce.  Like Beyonce, but not crazy egotistical (although some may argue I’m already halfway there).

What I’m trying to say is (man, do I suck at writing conclusions, or what?!) do people ever really figure it out?  Does one ever stop wanting to be more, do more, achieve more? Or is it a constant journey to become a better version of yourself?  I don’t think I ever see myself arriving at a stagnant state.  There will always be something out there I want to do/try/accomplish.  Maybe that’s what really defines us. 


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