I don’t think anyone can be who I want to be. Do I even know *who* that is? I’m decidedly not crafty. I will never “love” cooking. Baking from a box is a-ok in my book. Scrapbooking makes my head hurt. Change annoys me, but I can’t stand things being the same for too long.
When I was little I decided that I was going to be that girl living in a high-rise making tons of money bossing people around. Then I wanted to be a teacher for a while. I was adamant about never getting married. Kids were definitely a no-no.
And yet…a house, a dog, three kids+1 on the way, and the epitome of a good husband later and I’m as happy as can be. But, I’m still trying to “find mysel,f” whatever the hell that means.
Sometimes I think I actually have it figured out. But again, that moment’s fleeting. I don’t know what I want for dinner, can’t decide on a hair color, and my makeup routine is ever-changing in my head only to produce the same results, but yet somehow, I want to know who it is that I want to be.
The thing is, who I want to be can’t be described in terms of nouns. I mean, sure, I think I want to be a teacher. I’m already a mom and a wife. But I’m also me. A 27 year old who can’t stay up too late, hates to be the one to pick anything, and is constantly fighting a battle between staying trendy and relevant or keeping it classic.
I want to be happy. Not just content. I mean, truly, ear-splitting-grin kind of happy. I want to not worry so much about things I cannot control. I want to trust my kids to make their own decisions and raise them to be confident, determined adults. I want to make time for spontaneity. I want to start practicing yoga. I want to find at least one dessert that I totally kick ass at making. I want to stop procrastinating. I want to be happy in my skin. Not just comfortable, but confident and happy and fierce. Yes, I said fierce. Like Beyonce, but not crazy egotistical (although some may argue I’m already halfway there).
What I’m trying to say is (man, do I suck at writing conclusions, or what?!) do people ever really figure it out? Does one ever stop wanting to be more, do more, achieve more? Or is it a constant journey to become a better version of yourself? I don’t think I ever see myself arriving at a stagnant state. There will always be something out there I want to do/try/accomplish. Maybe that’s what really defines us.